Monday, May 28, 2007

Fear and panic

My editor, Paula Guran, of Juno Books always posts reviews to Juno's blog. Aargh!

She posts the good and the bad. I like that. Some publishing houses wouldn't post the bad. Major respect on that.

Well, now I feel a panic coming on. Okay, I'll admit it. I felt the panic about a couple of months ago. I even wrote Paula an email telling her that she should warn me when Wind Follower reviews are bad so I can be spared a great deal of grief.

I have a friend who is an actress who says things like, "why do people with rejection issues choose professions such as writing and acting where they are being judged by people?"

My husband -- he's such a sweetie!!! -- looked at me and said, "I don't think you're the type who should look at your reviews." Hey, the man knows me. I'm way too sensitive.

So then there I was screaming in panic-stricken mode: "What's wrong with me? Why did I write a book that will be published and placed on American bookshelves? What was I thinking about? People are going to be judging me and saying mean things about me. AAAARGH!" Something like that. I kinda got into such a state I didn't know what I was yelling.

My husband said, "Your problem is that you like everyone. And you simply can't handle it when no one likes you because that's so rare." Yes, alas that is true.

That's one of my most horrible personality traits. I am just fascinated by people. I'm not used to disliking people, and I'm not used to them disliking me. And now, what have I done?

My friend Jim used to say that my tendency to gush over him and his work just irked him. Seems he wanted to choke me because I just gushed over everything and everyone. I can't help it. He's a good writer. Is gushing such a bad trait?

We went to an art opening and although I hated the piece of art I gushed!
Jim looked at me and said, "You liked that cr*p?":

I said, "she's an artist, she put her soul on that painted silk scarf. Who am I NOT to gush? She tried hard. It's not that bad. Actually I kinda like it."

He gave me one of those looks as if he wanted to kill me. So yeah, I gush with everyone and over everything. I tend to delight in things. Delight in my middle name. BUT BUT BUT BUT Bad writing gets no mercy from me. Weird, uh? I just don't gush. Immature writing by beginners I'm kinda patient with.

And now I'm going to be out there on the nation's bookshelves....getting judged! AAAARGH!!!! Some reviews will love Wind Follower, of course. But then there are others. The "others." Reviewers who will be treating me the way I treat new writers in my critique group who write crappily!

Okay, okay, I have got to chill. This is what putting one's creativity out there in the world is all about.

Another scary thought: what's worse than no one liking your work? No one looking at it? No one thinking it is even worth looking at?

Okay, I've reviewed stuff on and on and on and on countless sites. And now it's my turn.

I've gushed over a lotta authors, and I've given several of them a break (because they were new authors and since their work had gotten into print I didn't want to pick on them and say they published a bad book.) And I've slammed many people.

Payback time. AAARGH!!!!!
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