Friday, January 16, 2009


Okay, I totally worry about myself. I have a total inability to go along with the herd. Why, oh why?

Two cases in point: When all the Christians were emailing each other about the evil Barack Obama, did I care? Nope. When they were all for the war -- I mean ALL the Christians I know were for this war-- I kept saying "No, God has shown me this war will only lead to people hating Christians, the Muslims being used as sufferers, and besides Christians are not supposed to be so connected to the world. Our real home is in heaven. The only reason God told us to pray for authorities was not because we have a city on a hill but because they were persecuting us."

When all the Black folks are emailing each other and weeping with joy that Barack Obama is president, what is yours truly doing? Standing back and watching. I just can't get into the entire hoopla. I pray for him, of course. One day I hope to like him, but I honestly doubt I will. God let me give this guy a chance.

So why can't I be swept along by the herd-mind? I think this has a lot to do with having been sick for so long. It takes one's mind away from earthly things. One realizes there is only one savior: not Bush, not America, not Obama. One realizes the lies in the world, that the American dream is merely greed. So that's the good part. The bad part, of course -- and why oh why am I going to admit this on my blog when I know I'm only going to get a judgmental person agreeing with me as if to enlighten me? They gloss over the fact that I've been sick and go on to blaming me for not being as they would be if they were in my position--

oh where was I? Yes, the bad part of this is that A) it's a lonely feeling. I'd like to be like the herd and B) while much of this alienation is good because a christian should be separated from certain's probably not all good. I'm sure I've been cold to things that have made folks jump for joy. (When it's a lotta folks all sharing the joy, it's perhaps not so bad. But if/when I've been cold to the joys of a particular person...well, it just shows how cruel sickness and hurt can be. It just kills your sense of joy in everything. It's hard to endure 20 years of sickness and seeing one's kid sick every day and be peppy.)

7Two things have I required of thee; deny me them not before I die:

8Remove far from me vanity and lies: give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with food convenient for me:

9Lest I be full, and deny thee, and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor, and steal, and take the name of my God in vain.

Last night hubby and I were awake. As usual. I fall asleep around 10 ish and wake up around 12 ish then am up all night. Either I pray or listen to sermons or wake hubby and ask for sex so I can sleep. So last night I woke hubby. We talked about thanksgiving. We really found so much to be thankful for. For instance, I am genuinely happy that I sleep for two hours. IT could be worse. It has been worse. 14 days straight with no sleep. (And yes, I am very kind when someone tells me she slept only 7 hours in a single night. I don't get into comparative mode. I'm not really like that. I don't say "I suffer much more than that." I'm actually quite nice. We thanked God that we endured so much and are still madly in love (okay, I'm also in love with some pixellated guys but I'm working on it.) But honestly, when we hear of folks who have divorced because of money issues, or sick child issues, or evil mother-in-law issues, we are amazed cause we went through all that and survived. God's grace was not missing in those folks' lives but somehow, they didn't survive. We thank God that we endured some hard financial times and learned to eat beans and rice. Hey, if the US economy goes under, we won't be complaining because we got used to that. And learned to eat healthily. We praised God that we have grown closer to him. Hey, I was always religious but heck. . . would I have gone to heaven if I died? I think many good religious people are probably surprised on their deathbed to know they didn't love God or his word enough, or that they trusted in their own righteousness to get to heaven. Hubby and I have gone through a lot...and we really have been stripped bare. So, heck, who knows if I would be this close to God if life hadn't been particularly shitty?

So yeah, I'm alienated from the just hoping I'm not tainted by it (by being bitter) and am not so full of physical pain that I can't rejoice with those who rejoice. As always, God is still working on me.
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